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Feeling so alone tonight ..my mind is in that wondering zone and I wish there was a way that I could just turn it off..I don’t know if anyone else had ever felt like this or not. I’ve always felt alone. Usually I try to write poems or some type of rhyme but not tonight, tonight I’m just too sad, too far down, too surrounded by darkness.
I guess that’s the ironic thing about all of this, I’ve always considered the “darkness” as my comfort zone, I took pride in being the “freak” “the goth chic” or just plain being “weird” but now I’ve found the only thing that’s gotten me is a bad reputation and struggling to survive all my problems on my own.
I can’t and I don’t blame anyone but myself for my problems. I could easily list all the things I’m a victim of..child abuse, rape, relationship abuse both physical and emotional, I’ve almost lost my life twice to guys that beat me, I’ve been stalked, manipulated,cheated on,lied to and I could go on forever it seems.
But none of these things could have happened without the choices I made, and that’s the hard part to deal with. I’m sure there are a lot of people who say none of these things are your fault and all that comforting stuff ..trust me I’ve been to enough counseling to know,but what no one knows and I’m about to tell for the first time here tonight is that most of these things were my fault because I went looking for them.
That’s right ladies and gentleman I put myself in bad and dangerous situations knowing I would get hurt because its always been the only thing I’ve felt I deserve.
Why? I don’t really know. I just know that I feel unloveable, and disgusting.
I’ve had people tell me I’m pretty few to tell me I’m beautiful but I can’t see it all I see is fat ugly trash.
Maybe I have a distorted view of myself I don’t know that either. But I do know that tonight is a very bad night for me and all I can do is the same thing I always do ride out the hurt and loneliness on my own and hope I make it through another night without breaking.
What if the only hope
that you have as person
lies within another?
What if that same person,
who your hope is held with
so dearly, has lost their faith
in you - in themselves?
Is your hope now too lost
along with their faith?
How are we to exist
Humanity can be cruel
that way… sometimes.
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The razor slashes one more time..
Leaving crimson flowing from veins so fine..
Down my arm into my palm ..
As I read the somber phasm..
So many word left unspoken, left me here to feel so broken ..
How can one find the light when only darkness fills their sight..
Reach out, reach out, that’s what they say but how do you reach out when you don’t know what made you this way..
Hopelessness seems the running route, dispire the close second bout..
If I came to you and begged for help could you be the one to show me the way out…
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Come to me in darkness, let me be your guide, come to me in darkness let it be your bride.
Come join me here where shadows hide, and only time we have to bide.
Here in this darkness there are no fears, cry if you must, no one will see your tears.
Beautiful darkness you never fail, your soft suttle embrace is a magical escape.
Come join me in darkness all who need peace for here in this darkness there is only release.
Wrap yourself in this blanket closed off from the world, here your free and don’t have to face it all.
Take a break, rest your tired head, no more worries, just like going to bed, no monsters in your closet, no demons in your head, only the peaceful darkness that protects you from what lies ahead…
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Would it matter if I called out your name..
Or would it all be done in vain..
You know I can feel your pain..
Would you still hide from me out of shame..
I can help you through the bad times..
Show you how to find the good times..
Put a smile upon your face to take that sad ones place..
But would it even matter that I can do these things for you..
These are the things that I can do..
And I’m willing to do them for you..
The Bracelet Project.
Each disorder has a color that corresponds to it.
Anorexia is Red.
Bulimia is Purple.
EDNOS is Pink.
Depression is blue.
Self harm is Orange or Black.
Fasting at the time is Green.
Suicidal is Yellow.
Overweight/Obese is Turquoise.
Anxiety/Panic disorder/OCD is Teal.
Adding 1 white bead means you’re trying to recover.
If your bracelet is half of the color that your disease is and half white it means you’re in recovery.
You can also make the strand the main disorder you have then add beads to your lesser disorders, or if you have EDNOS, if you have more anorexic or bulimic tendencies then you can add a red or purple bead.
If you see a girl in public wearing one, you are supposed to make eye contact and point to your bracelet. If she nods then you know she is part of the bracelet project.
Spread awareness about the bracelet project.
Why is it so hard for people to accept the fact that a person can change..
After trying so hard to dig up memories from my past I’ve come to terms with the fact that some memories may never return..
I had a friend tell me today that this “new version” of me sucks, but how am I suppose to respond to something like that..
This so called new version of me is all I have, I may be different from the person I use to be, but who I use to be is trapped somewhere deep within the chambers of my mind.
I want to move forward, I want to put an end to this nightmare and try to regain some kind of normal life..
But I’m getting so much negativity from the people around me..I just don’t know what to do..
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*Sometimes digging into your past brings up things best left buried
*You’re best friend could really be your biggest enemy
*people often lie when the truth makes them look bad
* beware of those you trust
*love comes in many different forms
*the heart is the strongest part of the human body
*the mind can lie
*images in the mirror are tricks the mind plays
*everyone is good at something they just need to explore their own talents
*we all have a choice
*treat others with kindness and you’ll feel better about yourself
*wisdom doesn’t always come with age, experience counts for a lot
***this is just a small list of the things I’ve put together over the past week, while recovering from a trauma, I’m sure this list could get longer and I would really like to see it grow..with any luck this list will be picked up, reblogged and added to by many***
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